Positive Behavior Management-The Ultimate Simplified Guide

For individual/personal use only. Reprint NOT authorized without consent of Dr. Marcia Lang

PRACTICAL BEHAVIOR MANAGEMENT

INTRODUCTION

Children, and adults too, need to know what to expect and when to expect it. When life gets chaotic and uncertainties become the norm, behavioral issues occur. This may be displayed in outbursts, or noncompliance. The defiance may be obvious or it may be subtle. We have seen people of all ages say yes they will get to the task assigned but never do any work or do lousy work. Some people just get defiant and aggressive. Each person expresses emotions in unique ways but everyone’s behavior is rooted in emotions.

A child’s brain is still developing and often lacks the brain function and neural connectivity to manage chaos and uncertainty. After all, the brain is not fully developed until early to mid 20s. To ask a child to respond to change and stressful times in a mature way is unrealistic and not possible. Unable to cope with the stress of the unexpected, the child will feel emotions of anxiety, maybe depression too. The emotions are not displayed the same as adults, where talking about feelings are possible, and insight is more likely to be present. Instead, a child will show their emotions through their behaviors. Instead of saying they are confused, feeling nervous or anxious, and maybe sad, the child will shut down and not comply with directions. The child may yell or hit others or things. The behavior is the emotional expression of the child.  It becomes the responsibility of the adults in the child’s life to provide structure to the child’s day, creating a sense of certainty and security.

In the year of 2020, chaos and uncertainty became the norm. Challenges such as online instruction instead of in-person classroom instruction due to the global pandemic of COVID-19, has resulted in the loss of routine and daily structure. This adds to emotional experiences of children and of adults. Attempting to keep a child focused in a classroom is already a challenge. Online instruction is even more challenging. Children do not have large attention spans so adding requirements of online classes, wearing face masks and the stress of parents trying to juggle work and supporting their children’s education adds to tension and stress in the home, causing further stress and uncertainty.

Even without the presence of a global pandemic, the inability to know what to expect and when to expect it is enough to cause behavioral outbursts, meltdowns or shutdowns. We all struggle with uncertainty and with change, even as adults. The adults in a child’s life serve as life coaches, guiding children through the challenging times. Adults do this by providing structure to the child’s life. It can be hard to provide this daily structure when the adults are feeling lost in the chaos too. The use of charts, chores, expectations/rules, and a daily schedule can all add structure to the family life in the home.

WHAT IS PRACTICAL BEHAVIOR MANAGEMENT?

Practical behavior management is the simple application of behavior modification techniques, utilizing operant conditioning principles in real life situations.  In other words, it is using proven techniques to encourage and reinforce positive behaviors.

WHY DO YOU WANT TO USE PRACTICAL BEHAVIOR MANAGEMENT?

When home and/or academic environments become chaotic, behavioral outbursts or noncompliance often occurs. The uncertainty of how the day will go, or not knowing what will happen next adds to emotions experienced, resulting in behavioral problems. However, the practical behavioral management strategies discussed will allow children to know what is expected and when, thus reducing emotional experiences and elevated anxiety, resulting in success and development of self-confidence.

By rewarding positive or desired behaviors, the positive or desired behaviors are likely to occur again and again.  You will be happy and not frustrated with your child’s behavior. You will yell less often.  Your child will be happy because of the positive rewards he or she will be getting.  Everyone wins with practical behavior management. 

5 SIMPLE STEPS TO PRACTICAL BEHAVIOR MANAGEMENT

1.     PARENTING REALITY CHECK

Parenting is hard.  You have to work at being a good parent, but perfection is not required. As long as you keep trying to be a good parent, you will be a good parent.

Be positive. You have to show your child that you believe he or she can have positive behaviors. Never criticize your child, instead, tell him or her that you do not like their behavior, not him or her as a person. Tell your child you love them each day.  Tell your child you are proud of something positive he or she did each day.

It will take a few weeks to get used to doing practical behavior management. The most important thing to remember is to be consistent; you must enforce the rules and the rewards each and every day. If you are not consistent, this system will not work.  You must do this system for each child in the home. The most important rule for you to follow is BE CONSISTENT, mark the chart each time period of each day and give your child the rewards he or she has earned on time.

2.     DECIDING ON THE TARGET BEHAVIOR

Take a moment and think about your child’s behavior that frustrates you the most. Pick the top 1 or 2 most frustrating or annoying behaviors your child displays.  These are your target behaviors.  Do not attempt to do more than 2 target behaviors; it will become overwhelming and stressful for all. The behaviors you select must be measurable and concrete.  A target behavior such as “Behave” is NOT measurable or concrete-you must be more specific.  Instead, select a target behavior such as “Follow directions” or “Complete all homework on time”.  See the appendix of this booklet for other sample target behaviors.

3.     DECIDING ON THE REWARDS

Positive behavior needs to be rewarded and reinforced, if it is going to occur again.  This is not a bribe to get your child to behave better.  Instead, it is showing your child that good things happen when he or she demonstrates positive behavior.  Sometimes this is also considered manipulation, positive manipulation.  You, as the parent, are manipulating or influencing your child’s behavior in a positive way.  You are getting the outcome you desire. Your child is learning to that positive behavior will result in positive attention, which children naturally crave.  This is the outcome they want.  In life, if a person knows how to manipulate their situation in a positive way, good things tend to occur. 

So, now it is time to decide on the reward for meeting the target behavior.  Your child MUST be involved in this process.  If the reward has no interest to them, they will not care about the meeting the target behavior.  Have a meeting with each of your children and discuss the reward options for meeting the target behavior.  There must be a daily and a weekly reward.  Most children cannot wait all week to receive a reward for their positive behavior, a reward each day is needed to meet their short attention span that is normal for their age.  Some daily reward options might be the TV show of their choice, or computer time, limited video game time or time to use the phone.  The weekly reward might be time with friends, a special outing with a parent or favorite family member, allowance/money or later bedtime.  See the appendix for more reward ideas.  Ask you child what he or she is interested in for the daily and weekly reward.  Then together, decide which of the options is best for you and your child. 

4.     DO IT-EVERY DAY

Now that you have decided on the target behaviors and the rewards, write it on the Success Chart.  Have a meeting with all members of the household to review the Success Chart.   Start using the chart at the beginning of the upcoming week.  At the end of each time period of each day, be sure to mark your child’s success at meeting the target behavior.  If he or she has met the target behavior for that time period, put a star in that spot.  If not, it stays empty.  Be sure to give your child the earned rewards each day and also at the end of the week. 

How do you know if your child has earned the star for that time period?  Try using this simple decision tool.  Did your child do the desired target behaviors for that time period? If yes, then put in a star. 

Did you have to remind your child of the target behavior and reward to get them to comply? If yes, did your child comply after the reminder? If yes, then put a star in the time period.  If your child did not comply after the reminder, count to 3. If you get to 3 and your child did not comply, then leave the time period blank-they did not earn the star.  However, if your child complied before you reached 3, then put a star in the time period.

Be consistent.  If you do not do your part of the Success Chart each day, your child will not do their part. 

5.     RE-EVALUATE

After a month, have a meeting with the members of the household and discuss the Success Chart.   If your child is doing well on the success chart, you may want to change the target behaviors to the next behavior that is most annoying to you. If your child is not doing well, then consider changing the rewards as the current rewards may not be motivating enough. Your child may also want to change the rewards. Have a family meeting and discus the changes suggested for the success chart, update the chart as needed and start doing it the following day.  Continue to have the monthly meetings to review the chart, the target behaviors and rewards.  Have a meeting whenever changes are needed. 

THE BIGGEST MISTAKES PARENTS MAKE

1.     NOT BEING CONSISTENT

When parents do not follow through on what they say they are going to do, the children lose respect for the parent’s authority. It will be almost impossible for your child to listen and comply with your requests.  As your child earns a star, you must put it on the chart. If your child does not earn a star, do not put it on the chart. Give your child the rewards when they earn them.  If your child does not comply by the time your count to 3, then do not give them a star.  If your child complies before you get to 3, then give them the star. If you are not consistent with using the chart, your child will not take the chart seriously and the chart will not work. 

2.     HOLDING A GRUDGE

When parents remind the child of the past behavior problems, including the ones that took place yesterday, the child starts to believe that he or she can never succeed.  The child will just give up and stop trying to succeed since he or she is starting to believe that they will fail anyway. Parents will also sometimes mark the success chart based on past behaviors and not the behaviors of the current time period.  Remember, the success chart only considers the child’s behavior for that specific time of the day, such as morning, afternoon or evening.

3.     EXPECTING PERFECTION

Your child will not be perfect in his or her behaviors.  Do not expect your child to perform the desired behaviors perfectly. Instead, look for improvement and reward based on the improvement you see. This is why counting to 3 is helpful since it does not expect perfection instantly but instead compliance after a warning or two.  When parents expect the behavior to be done perfectly the first time, instantly, the child will never perform the behavior well enough to earn the star on the success chart. The child then feels the success chart’s standards are set too high and that he or she can never succeed.  Again, the child gives up and will not try to earn any stars.  Be realistic in setting and monitoring the target behaviors. When your child’s behavior improves, have a family meeting and change the target behavior.  Do not raise the expectations until the family meeting and make all expectations known to the child.  Keep all expectations for the target behavior(s) realistic-no one is perfect.

4.     LACK OF PRAISE

Each and every day, say something positive to your child about his or her behavior. Find something to acknowledge as an improvement. Some days will be hard but there is ALWAYS something positive you can say to your child, you may have to look harder to find it.  When parents fail to say something positive or nice to their child each day, the child will begin to feel negative about himself/herself and is less likely to comply with the target behaviors. Finding something positive to say to your child each day will help your child feel loved.

ADDITIONAL POSITIVE BEHAVIORAL SUPPORTS:

In addition to the use of the behavior chart already described, there are other tools that can be used to help create structure in the home.

FAMILY RULES

Have a family meeting. Everyone in the household participates in the meeting. In his meeting, each person in the household proposes rules for the family. Adults need to consider the rules proposed by the children and not discount their suggestions.

Some common family rules might be:

·      No verbal or physical aggression

·      Everyone participates in household chores

·      No alcohol or substance use (including adults in the home)

·      Get up in the morning on time

·      Go to bed on time

·      The family eats dinner together

·      Complete all school work on time

·      Attend classes/work

After the rules are decided and agreed upon, have each household member sign the family rules document. It is like a contract that everyone has agreed to. Post a copy of the family rules in a common area in the home, keeping the original document in a secure place in case more copies are needed.

CHORE CHART

A chore chart lists the household chores and who is responsible for performing the chores. Hold a family meeting and create a chore list. Then have household members sign up for the chores each will complete.

An example of a chore chart may include:

·      Feed the cats at breakfast and dinner: Mike

·      Walk the dog after school: Jill

·      Put dishes in the dishwasher after dinner: Mom

·      Cook dinner: Dad

·      Clean bathrooms on Saturday morning: Mike and Jill

·      Clean the kitchen on Saturday morning: Mom and Dad

·      Do laundry on Sunday morning: Grandma

·      Grocery shopping: Mom

After an agreed upon time period, 3 months for example, have another family meeting and rotate the assignment of the chores so no one is stuck with a chore they hate forever. Post the chore chart in a common area in the home as a reminder of what chores are to be done and when they are to be done.

DAILY SCHEDULE

Posting a daily schedule can ease the burden of trying to remember what to do and when. This eases stress since everyone is aware of what will be taking place each day.

One of the simplest methods of maintaining a daily schedule is to use a preprinted calendar. Use a calendar that has enough open space to write down the activities of the day, including medical appointments, sports practices and events, theater performances, music lessons, horseback riding lessons, tutoring classes, visits with grandparents, visitation day with another parent, driving lessons, scout meetings, hair cut appointments, etc.

Another method of keeping a daily schedule is to write out time periods for weekdays and also for weekends. On the schedule, include wake-up times, when to leave for school, when to start homework, when meals are served, bedtime prep times and the actual lights out bedtime. Add in other significant routine times such as sports practices, club meetings in the daily schedule.

Whatever daily schedule is selected, post it in a visible area for all to see.

SUMMARY:

Clear expectations, structure and routine can ease a child’s mind. When chaos and confusion occur, emotions enter a rollercoaster ride and behaviors turn defiant and negative. By using the simple steps of this guide, clear expectations are established, easing emotions and improving behaviors. Be consistent with using these techniques and be supportive. Your child can succeed with the guidance and life skills coaching from the adults in their life.

How this approach helps parents….

Reprint NOT authorized without written consent from author, Marcia Lang.

APPENDIX A

SAMPLE TARGET BEHAVIORS

·      Follow Directions without arguing

·      Make your bed

·      No curse words

·      No aggressive talk

·      Use polite words

·      Clean up after yourself

·      No fighting

·      Do your homework

·      Complete all school work by the due dates.

·      Do your chores

·      Brush your teeth

·      Try all the foods on your plate

·      Sit in your chair at mealtime

·      Go to bed on time, without complaining

APPENDIX B

SAMPLE REWARDS:

Daily Rewards:

·      Earn screen time when you have 3 stars earned in a row (note: screen time is anything with a screen such as video games, computer, TV).

·      Pick the TV show of your choice after earning 2 stars that day.

·      A piece of candy (works well with younger children).

·      Snack of the child’s choice.

·      Time on the telephone.

·      Social time online.

·      (Note: time amounts for these activities should be limited based on the family situation and child’s activities).

·      Later bedtime for earning all stars that day.

·      Time with parent to play a board game.

·      50 cents for each star earned.

Weekly Rewards:

·      Time to be with friends

·      Use of the car (for children with driver’s licenses)

·      Time with parent to practice driving (for children with a learner’s permit)

·      Later bedtime

·      Child’s choice of family outing

·      More screen time

·      Trip to the dollar store

·      Allowance

APPENDIX C

SAMPLE CHARTS

Single Goal Chart Sample

Susie’s Goal Chart

Goal: Complete all schoolwork on time.

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
Morning		1	1		1
Mid-day	1	1	1		1		1
Evening	1	1		1	1	1
Daily Total	2	3	2	1	3	1	1

Total Stars Earned: 13

Daily Reward: Once 2 stars are earned, Susie can have 1 hour of screen time.

Weekly Reward: If 16 stars are earned, Susie can pick a movie for the family to watch. If all 21 stars are earned, Susie will receive an additional 3 hours of screen time on the weekend.

Two-Goal Chart Sample

Johnny’s Goal Chart

Goal 1: No yelling

Goal 2: No hitting siblings

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
Morning	1		1		1	1	1
	1		1	1	1	1	1
Afternoon	1	1	1	1		1	1
		1	1	1	1	1	1
Evening	1		1	1	1	1
	1			1	1	1	1
Daily Total	5	2	5	5	5	6	5

Total Stars Earned: 33

Daily Reward: Once 4 stars are earned, Johnny can have 1 hour of screen time.

Weekly Reward: If 32 stars are earned, Johnny will receive $5 allowance. If all 42 stars are earned, Johnny will receive an additional 3 hours of screen time on the weekend. 

Goal Chart

Goal:

	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
Morning
Afternoon
Evening
Daily Total

Total Stars Earned:

Daily Reward:

Weekly Reward:

Goal Chart

Goal 1:

Goal 2:

	Sun	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat
Morning
Afternoon
Evening
Daily Total

Total Stars Earned:

Daily Reward:

Weekly Reward: